The Perfect World Blog

Occupy Wall Street

2011-10-12T14:45:00.005+05:30

Long time. A fake world.

People eventually tire of being cheated by society.

Nobody has the courage to be themselves. Of course they don't. No one is born into law-required financial security.

If your parents had a home built for you before you were born, you wouldn't need a mortgage or a job to pay for it.

This is not the future you were promised. Why? Because population always multiplies to a number unsustainable by natural resources.

People protesting for rights and jobs? Require basic financial capability for parenthood instead.

What does Occupy Wall Street accomplish?

Visit www.theperfectworld.org

Who Fits This Profile?

2011-06-12T14:51:00.008+05:30

The women have too much attitude, the men are rude and arrogant.

The only thing they are good at is lying. Every second word that comes out of their mouths is probably a lie. They are happy sucking up to others their whole lives. They hardly know the basics of their profession but have no qualms about lying about their capabilities in order make a lot of money.

They are noisy and don't have basic manners. They think they are superior to those who are less fortunate and will only acknowledge the existence of people in higher society.

BIAL Taxi Drivers Harass Passengers

2011-01-18T10:25:00.002+05:30

Getting down at Bangalore Airport, I was slapped in the face by a sharp reminder of where I was.

Airport drivers clustered around me, asking me where I wanted to go. All I wanted was a nice, hassle-free journey to where I stay. But that was not to be.

On the way to the bus stop, pushing my luggage trolley and nervous about the new place, I found myself pestered by 15-20 rude taxi drivers. Even after making it clear I was going to use the bus, they kept trying to convince me to use their taxi.

This was harassment by the taxi drivers. BIAL has to keep them in line as well as the emigration and other airport officials who ask unnecessary questions before letting you through.

Who am I kidding? I felt harassed by pretty much everyone in BIAL, Bangalore and India.

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the things that make you happy

2010-12-16T14:58:00.001+05:30

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Living forever...

2010-11-19T17:51:00.003+05:30

Living forever, written from a gut feeling. Hope it's true.

Live (yrs):
20 good nutrition, security
50 fruits & veg, good nutrition, security
80 healthy mind, fruits & veg, good nutrition, security
100 desire to live, healthy mind, fruits & veg, good nutrition, security
130 desire to live, healthy mind, pure air & water, fruits & veg, good nutrition, security
200 desire to live, high altitude, healthy mind, pure air & water, fruits & veg, good nutrition, security
300 fasting 1 day every month, desire to live, healthy mind, pure air & water, fruits & veg, good nutrition, security
350 fasting 5 days every month, desire to live, healthy mind, pure air & water, fruits & veg, good nutrition, security
400 pure water, antioxidant diet, quiet
450 pure water, antioxidant diet, quiet, desire to live
500 pure water, antioxidant diet, quiet, desire to live, no worries
700 pure water, antioxidant diet, absolute quiet, desire to live, no worries
1500 pure water, antioxidant diet, basic nutrient supply, absolute quiet, desire to live
3000 pure water, antioxidant diet, basic nutrient supply, absolute quiet, desire to live, no relations
10,000 pure water, antioxidant diet, basic nutrient supply, absolute quiet, desire to live, no relations
20,000 high altitude, pure water, antioxidant diet, basic nutrient supply, absolute quiet, desire to live, no relations

Child Labor Does Not Really Go Away

2010-11-02T12:22:00.004+05:30

If the children are not sent for child labor, they are sent to schools where they are pressured to work similarly and become class toppers.

Child labor does not really go away.

The mindset and 'culture' of these people will be the same even if you give them a pot of gold.

Sad.

These are the people from countries where child labor is rampant. They have no value for human life.

This can only be changed by forcing them to value human life. By not allowing them to have human life without paying for it.

Saying 'I love children' or 'How cute!' does not mean the person values human life.

Requiring them to have basic financial capability before parenthood is the solution.

Chocolate Made with Child Labor

2010-11-02T12:12:00.003+05:30

Delicious chocolate. Food of the Gods. Melts innocently in your mouth.

But there is a story behind that dark euphoric substance. The abuse of children forced to work in West African cocoa farms.

"At least two million children are currently involved in the production of cocoa in Ghana and the Ivory Coast."

Read more: Trick or Treat? Chocolate made with child labor

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UAE, A Safe Land

2010-10-22T21:01:00.006+05:30

I am seeing for myself the benefits of a rigid and effective legal system. UAE is a sheikhdom and the rules here are absolute.

It is just so much safer, people speak softly, keep out of each other's way, have utmost respect (and fear) of the law.

Of course, already I can see the media and even the internet are not as free as back in India. Who would want to put their rich and pampered living to be put at risk by angering the Islamic authorities?

Most of the media is fit for a 5-year-old's eyes.

What came across to me at first was the harsh hot climate and the similarity with the legal system. Just goes to show that human beings are just a product of their environment...

The natives here think they are acting out of their own free will with their extremely strict rules... but of course not, they are just part of the unforgiving desert landscape...

This crime-free land of perfect law and order, where I grew up, is probably my real inspiration behind the perfect world theory.

Rules aren't always a bad thing.

Back in Sharjah

2010-10-17T16:07:00.004+05:30

Feeling like myself after 14 years. Can't say how proud I am to have survived.

And it was instant.

Some people are telling me that things have changed here. But of course not.

This is my home. Unlike for any of them.

And I instantly felt at home. Felt like blood was flowing through my veins after a very long time.

This will always be my home, whether I get to stay here or not.

Passport Saga V

2010-09-11T16:14:00.003+05:30

The Passport Saga is over. I got the passport on 25 Aug. This was after I did not get it on the promised date and had to speak to the RPO on 23 Aug. They said I could collect the passport directly on 25 Aug, which I did.

I can't believe I went through all this for just getting a passport.

The lesson here is actually something I already knew. Know the rules well and follow them from the very start. I should have insisted on the 10+2 certificates remaining in my application and checked the spelling of everything on the acknowledgement slip at Bangalore One. That would have got me the passport one month earlier without the mistakes.

Next lesson, the authorities can, and will, mess up.

Next lesson, the authorities may not have all the information.

Last lesson, exhaust all options. The passport was actually at the RPO for two months in delayed processing while I ran between police stations thinking the police verification wasn't done because the officer had asked me for a bribe.

I'm sure there may be some more lessons, and I hope I will find them if so.

Passport Saga IV

2010-08-21T17:34:00.003+05:30

That's right. I still haven't got the passport. At least not the one I had hoped for.

What I did with the mistakes in the passport? On 24 July I had to apply again for reissue in tatkaal (faster service if you pay Rs. 2500). That's not it, I have to stand in line at 4:00 am in the queue with the online application printout and other documents at the new Passport Seva Kendra till 8:00 am for an appointment at 12:00 pm, since they only accept the first 30 applicants each day.

By 7:00 pm I got an acknowledgement form and was informed I should be getting the reissued passport in a week.

I get the passport on 11 Aug. Happy, only to find out that my father's name is corrected, but "Emigration Check Required" still not changed to "Emigration Check Not Required", meaning I cannot go to UAE for purposes other than visit.

Rushing back the same day at 3:00 pm to Passport Seva Kendra, I am assured that Regional Passsport Office, Koramangala, will correct it for me. So the next day I go and secure my spot at 6:00 am outside, to be allowed in at 10:30 am. There, by around 12:00 pm, after filling forms and writing letters I am assured the passport will be ready by 17 Aug.

All this just to get a simple passport with no spouse or child or family or any other complication.

Today it's 21 Aug, I still haven't got it. Ramzan season has started in UAE and I've been informed that I will have to wait to apply for visa till 9 Sept, when it ends.

Getting passport is the last chance India had (I hope) to be rude to me, and they have made the best use of it.

They have shown me clearly what kind of race I "belong" to. I truly understand now.

Indians are Rude

2010-08-12T20:48:00.005+05:30

I want to get this off my chest.

Indians are rude.

They treat you based on how you look: fair/dark, rich/poor, young/old.

They have no shame. Period.

In case you are wondering, like an Indian would, if I am an Indian, then no, I am not, I am an NRI. I know how to treat everyone with courtesy and respect no matter the color, financial status, sex, age or race.

I am an NRI, not an Indian.

Again, shame on you Indians.

I hope you have the common sense to realize I am talking about the general Indian population, not every one of the 1 billion individuals. So don't be stupid and point out to me the exceptions.

Update 10/09/2011: Why Are Indians Rude?

Passport Saga III

2010-07-25T10:35:00.005+05:30

Got the passport. In complete ecstasy for a few hours. Till I found out that the ECR (Emigration Check Required) stamp on my passport means that I have to either:

1) go to Protector of Emigrants (PoE) in Delhi/Mumbai/Chennai/Trivandrum, an organization well known for its corruption, who will give me a suspension of ECR or an emigration clearance

2) go to Passport Office, Bangalore once again, stand in line at 9:00 AM, give attested copies of my 10+2 certificates and Rs. 300 to get an ECNR (Emigration Check Not Required) stamp, hopefully on the same day

3) go to UAE only for purposes other than employment, show the return ticket to airport officials

And how did I get the ECR stamp in the first place? ECR stamp would not be affixed if I had submitted a copy of my 10+2 certificate in the application. I had submitted the copies and under Document for ECNR had mentioned 10+2/PUC certificate. However the Bangalore One person said the certificate was not needed since my old passport, which was being submitted with the application, already showed that I was ECNR.

An over-smart Bangalore One official who thought he knew everything better than me will cost me more delay and Rs. 300.

And the request to correct my father's name spelling, which I had submitted to the Passport official after all the waiting in line and getting token and such was not done. And that too, a Bangalore One official had misspelled my father's name. True, I had to check if it was correct when they gave the receipt, but they had to copy the spelling from my application correctly as well.

The only thing the Bangalore One people were concerned about was following their own list of documents to be submitted, to be submitted in triplicate!

Because of them I have a misspelled father's name and an ECR stamp on my passport.

Passport Saga II

2010-07-16T08:17:00.003+05:30

Turns out the police here did their job on time with their verification report. I had to go and put my application on priority (indirect tatkaal). Otherwise it would have taken me another month and a half to get the passport.

I have been promised the date of 22 July. Everything did go amazingly smoothly on 15 July. One amazing instance in which the tatkaal form counter was about to close at 12:00 pm and I was there exactly as the time turned 12:00 pm. If I was a minute late I would have had to come back next day.

I suspect the long delays are caused by the staff being directed towards the new Passport Seva Project issuing the quick e-passports. They are so very eager to make the new project a success that a 3-month delay over the official 45-day time period for the older applicants is just not an issue.

Anyway, I am glad they pushed forward my application without extra charge.

Passport Saga

2010-07-13T15:53:00.008+05:30

I had applied for passport through Bangalore One on 4 May 2010. The passport processing time mentioned on the website http://rpobangalore.gov.in is 45 days.

I knew that India being a third world country, things would be difficult. My strategy was to be accurate and correct in all the documents required to get the passport. In other words, do it in completely the right way. I should think it has worked for me.

But I have not yet got the passport. The only online status message I get is this since the past two months:

Your police verification report has not been received by us yet. You may like to follow up with the concerned police autorities. If you need your passport urgently, you have the option of applying under tatkaal, with a Verification Certificate (Annexure-F).

My inference from this scary-looking message, naturally, is that I need to follow up with the police authorities.

This I did by calling up the police officer who did my verification. He asks me to go to the passport section of the commissioner's office. When he had done the verification on 12 May 2010, I gave him Rs. 200 at the station, he had demanded Rs. 500. I gave him the money because I was immensely happy at the time that I was getting out of here. After 15 long years, which I do not know how I manged to survive in this country. Back to Sharjah, which is my real home, even if it is only for a short time due to visa rules and what not. On my way out of the station, he threatened me that he will not help me in future.

But soon the reality sunk in that they are not going to give me the passport without putting me through a lot more hell.

I had been told to go to the Police Commissioner's Office, Bangalore. Spent a lot of money getting there. Curious thing there: Give your details to the guy sitting outside before 1:00 pm and come back at 4:00 pm for an answer. Waste your life till then.

I did so. Then he says, get the COP number from the police station where you did the verification. Great. I protested all I could but I had to go back, soaked in the rain to get it from the corrupt officer who did my verification. 20 km away, on my scooter.

The officer argued with me a long time before he gave me the COP number. For what?

By now it was too late anyway. So, the next day I go to the Police Commissioner's Office at 10:00 am and wait till 4:00 pm, as usual. Then I get an answer: Koramangala Office,12/7

What on earth could it mean? The guy didn't have the time or the inclination to be a little more clearer. I ask another applicant nearby who seemed to understand, and he says to go to the Koramangala Passport Office on 12 July 2010 to get your passport. I was happy.

Today it is 13 July 2010, 70 days since I applied for passport. However, the online status still hasn't changed:

Hardships faced by others in getting an Indian passport and the stupendous inhuman corruption they face:

http://blogs.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/randomaccess/entry/passport-office-doesn-t-accept

Instrument of Evolution

2010-06-21T17:40:00.003+05:30

What is pleasure, but an instrument of evolution to make you do what it wants?

Wanting or not wanting, which is better?

Of course, not wanting.

Every relationship is based on wanting, on inadequacies.

The higher up the evolutionary ladder, the lesser the wants.

Sometimes

2010-04-12T21:03:00.000+05:30

Sometimes a person comes along and makes you feel so strongly that this is it, that it's not just love at that moment, the feeling is strong enough to make a complete non-believer believe in destiny and supernatural forces.

But if the other person doesn't feel the same way or at least a little bit, what a shock!

"It's just not possible for her to not love me or even act like she doesn't care without extreme effort. It's not possible for her to live a lie for the rest of her life. She knows as well as I do that she has met her soulmate. Then what is this all about?!!!"

Such a shock will take a long time to truly recover from, if ever. Life is completely changed.

Perfect World Law vs Obama's Health Care Plan

2010-03-28T19:13:00.006+05:30

Insurance and taxation are wrong because you have to pay for the life that you didn't create, in order to insure your life or have access to things that are vital for your life.

The parenthood financial capability law (www.theperfectworld.org) only asks you to pay for the life that you did create, your offspring.

Obama's Health Care Plan

I can see why Obama is happy. Why he thinks he has done something fabulous. The idea is insurance and taxes, which is a very age-old idea. Again shows how Obama seems to be a new light but really isn't. He is only repackaging old ideas and making them appealing. That, and he is a never-say-die salesman, not a philosopher of any kind. Insurance and taxation on a large scale is really what it is. Human freedom is being lost.

Where we really have to control human freedom is in reproduction, when will we realize that?

I do hope his grand scheme is realized, though I seriously doubt it, and I wish him all the best.

For the real solution, require basic financial capability for parenthood by law. www.theperfectworld.org

Keep life beautiful

2009-11-21T15:33:00.003+05:30

The beauty of being true to yourself. That's real beauty.

Life is beautiful. It remains so when we are honest with ourselves and others. 'Do not lie' for a very good reason. It spoils your life, makes your conscience troubled. Whatever you build on lies will never be as beautiful as something not built on lies.

Life is innately beautiful. It remains so, it need not change. Do not force yourself to do anything you do not feel like doing. Sadly the world is built on the principle of contributability. Contributability - the ability to contribute. Hence you are forced to so things you do not feel like doing. To contribute.

Recognizing this fact may enable you to contribute just the right amount and at the right places and times for the maximum contribution. You cannot contribute what you do not have. So, get into a position where the job demands what you can give, not what you have made others believe that you can give. Again, this is why the age-old law makes sense: do not lie.

Keep life beautiful.

Cut Soul

2009-11-03T14:01:00.004+05:30

So far away you seem
Forever out of grasp
Elusive you wish to remain
But why, I know not

Bleeding, I lay
To breathe, I struggled
Will I survive?, I gasped
Your words had cut my soul

Kindness, the soothing balm I hoped for
Understanding, the rarity I couldn't find
Common ground, that no one wished to have
One-of-a-kind, I knew we both were

Years of sadness
And pain
I thought had come to an end
Finally

The long wait was over
The pain was for a reason
My life suddenly had meaning
But it was not to be

Or is this the night's darkest hour
Before the elusive dawn
Of all that I'd promised myself
And will she show me her heart?

What it takes

2009-09-06T06:00:00.005+05:30

What does it take
To show you
How much I feel
How true it is

Maybe you know already
Maybe you need some time
And maybe you don't want to say
That you feel the same

But it's driving me crazy
I don't know who I am
Or why I do the things I do
Except that it may please you

Sometimes truth is given
But hard to digest
Like what lies ahead
For me and you

The good and bad
The pretty and ugly
The highs and lows
The sweet and sour

And you realize
Life does not change much
The same people come again
To assist in life's journey

In different shapes and sizes
They keep coming
Till you do what you're meant to
And get it out of the way

For you

2009-08-16T03:47:00.005+05:30

Willing to wait a lifetime
For you
And unto eternity if I could
For you

But all I have,
You should well know
Is this little bit of time, given
To love you

So please
I wish you knew
That my love, is true
And the time is short

Am I asking for too much
Or wishing for what's not mine
I may be, I don't know
And I don't care anymore

For I have waited for too long
And the pain's been too great
Was it not all for something?
Was it not all so I find you?

And maybe we don't speak the same
And maybe we don't look the same
And maybe I just don't have a right
And maybe it will all end in pain

But what have I to care
And what have I to lose
Maybe a lot, maybe nothing
But I'll do it all for you

Soulmate

2009-08-07T05:08:00.007+05:30

I fell in love
The first day you sat near
Then I couldn't stop losing myself
In your dreamy eyes

I was yours
I really had no choice
Your beauty was astounding
And your voice divine

And oh you gave me signs
So many that I forget
So exceptional that
I can't explain

I now feel
What only soulmates feel
The eternal pull
To be one

Never been so sure
Of anything in my life
Never been so healed
And saved from lonely torment

Follow you wherever you may go
Love you whoever you be with
Adore you whatever you may say
Dream of you as long as I can

Because the signs
Were great and many
You're my soulmate
My one and only

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Free man from the planet

2009-08-02T16:08:00.003+05:30

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A backpack that consists of...

--a fast transportation device (speed in light years)
--a food generator from the elements
--a water generator from the elements
--an oxygen generator
--no failing parts

This little backpack can ensure total safety from the elements. Imagine if it was free and everyone had one of these. Free man from all limitations. Nationality, religion, race, color...all lose meaning.

The universe is our playground. And humans are freer than birds.

This is the only sensible thing to do. An asteroid or meteor could come after us while we would just be sitting ducks. Like the huge dinosaurs that roamed the earth before us when Yellowstone volcano erupted. Only the transportation device seems a bit out of reach. Other parts of the backpack are quite achievable.

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Just as me

2009-07-23T06:22:00.002+05:30

Nobody loves you
Is that the real truth?
I know it is appearance
That really matters

But she
Is not like the others
I know, I know, I know
Why? Only because...

Each movement and action of hers
Shows that she is deep
That she cannot stand
Those who clown and lay life waste

Deeper than ever
Mature for her age
Taking the hard road
And living on the edge

Her, I admire
And no one else
Her, I desire
And wish be mine

I know we are the same
I hope she does too
Hope she never loses
Faith in this truth I've seen

But just as me
She does love
The clowns of this world
Relief to our burdened hearts!

Will she marry a clown
And befriend me?
Or befriend a clown
And marry me...

Together, our hearts, nevertheless
Happy to have found the other
And fearing with mortal dread
The day to separate, we're forced

Hearts that know they are
The same
Hearts connected
By a pure and fragile love

Love that will exist
Wherever she may be
Wherever I'm forced to be
Hearts longing for like company

Love is a Lie

2009-07-08T15:03:00.004+05:30

It's all about getting to the next level of evolution.

He was quoting someone else in www.astroinquiry.com, but he said that human beings have the drive to keep interacting and procreating till they become homogeneous.

My thought is, what is the role of love in this? How substantial is this entity we call 'love'?

Love is the most superficial and overrated entity we know. In the same website I read him quoting someone else saying love and truth are interchangeable. Now that feels like an abomination, an insult, a blasphemy.

When you love someone you think is better off than you, it is the feature that he/she has, be it beauty, intelligence, knowledge, sociability, fame, money that you are actually 'loving'.

When you love someone you think is worse off than you, it is yourself that you are 'loving', your high mindedness, compassion, goodness, kindness, caring nature, sensibility, and so on.

We don't do anything unless we profit from it. Being compassionate rewards us by a feeling of euphoria, self-esteem, sense of victim hood, sense of greatness, and probably many other feelings we even don't know exist.

In 'love' the feeling of euphoria is the reward. It's so evolutionary.

The truth is that love does not exist. Love and truth are opposites. Truth is truth. Love is a lie.

A lie we willingly wish to believe in for the tremendous high we get from it.

One of the many lies we willingly and blindly believe in the Piscean Age.

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Perfect World Cooking

2009-07-03T15:41:00.004+05:30

In a perfect world (which is very much achievable, mind you), each person will live peacefully in his/her own space. He/she will have all the necessities of life and will be totally satisfied.

In that vein of thought, I'm sure I can share some of the tips on how to cook simple, easy and effectively.

Your daily nutritional needs can be taken care of by the following regimen:

1) Horlicks with Milk (or similar health drink)
2) Rice and fish
3) Chicken nuggets/cucumber/tomato/brown bread sandwich
4) Peanuts for snacking
5) Packaged juices (Tropicana, Ceres, etc.)

Cooking instructions:

1) Horlicks with Milk (or similar health drink)

About 3 tablespoons each of horlicks and milk powder for each day added to warm water. I do this for 10-15 days at one go.

- the entire quantity of water is microwaved at the rate of 1 minute at 750W per cup of water
- horlicks and milk powder are poured directly from their packs
- mixture stirred till most lumps are gone
- use a funnel to pour the liquid into a 2 litre or bigger container
- place the warm liquid containing container into the fridge

You can now have ice cream like delicious health drink every day.

(Warning - use only microwaved pure water or germs could spoil the health drink)

2) Rice and fish

Take about a handful and a half of rice in a bowl. Wash it in water 3-4 times. Add 4 cups of water.

- microwave for 15 mins at 450W
- let stand for 20 mins
- pour out excess starch liquid
- add a bit of tamarind paste, salt and then mix
- add a piece of canned fish

You're good to go.

3) Chicken nuggets/cucumber/tomato/brown bread sandwich

- four slices of brown bread, four slices each of cucumber and tomato
- lay out half the cucumber and tomato on the first bread slice
- place the next bread slice on top
- lay out the rest of the cucumber and tomato on top of that
- put two tablespoons of yoghurt and cover with the third bread slice
- lay out 7-8 chicken nuggets (number depends on size) on the third slice, then cover with last bread slice
- microwave for 4 mins at 750W
- let stand for 15-20 mins

This is the simplest, easiest way (that I have so far discovered) to be self reliant as well as time efficient. Hope it helps.

What am I to do...

2009-06-27T07:27:00.005+05:30

Every day I catch a glimpse
Of the one that I'd been waiting for
The one who shall end my pain
Wait, is she the one?

How would I know?
Her voice, her walk, her talk
Nothing told me the answer clearly
But my heart is sure

I want to talk to her
And see for myself
But the time never came, and
Neither did my courage

I never talked to those
That never talked to me
How could I make an exception
For this one and only beauty?

Yes, I think I can
Because of the signs
That none before her showed
The signs of the one for me

She kept saying that she was
From that far and distant land
That bore my ten-year lost love
As if she had come to take her place

In my flashes of telepathy
During days of restless youth
There appeared without warning
Without reason or explanation...

The picture of a maiden
Dainty and dignified, thoughtful and lovely
But above all, lovely
That fit her only too well

What am I to do
When that picture materializes
In the form a creature
That says the magic word

The one I've been waiting for, yes
The one I truly want, yes
Yet I do not know
What am I to do...

Her Pause

2009-06-11T03:04:00.004+05:30

When she moves
And pauses just a moment
It's clear as daylight
Something troubles her

In a moment's hesitation
She and the world are one
For there is reason tremendous
And cause abundant for her stillness

But what reason, what cause
Thy soul yearns to discern
Knowledge withheld from it
Known to none but one

Backs up her steps, nods her head
Ah, she must have found the solution
Surely, wisdom feminine won
And it never pauses wthout cause

Lo, she makes her appearance again
Expression quite the opposite
Happiness for the sake of happiness
Her smile is all that's left

Such is life

2009-06-11T02:30:00.003+05:30

A creeping realization that things are much worse than I thought. A growing realization of how great I truly am.

A hopelessness that eats away at my very soul. An abundance of preposterous dreams that could come true given time.

A hatred of the shackles of routine and home. A sense of freedom I was unsure I would ever have.

A history of heart breaking enough to have killed me long ago. A leap of joy when a potential soulmate passes by.

Such is life.

If she doesn't love me, it's fine

2009-04-10T14:58:00.003+05:30

If she doesn't love me, it's fine
Just let me love her

Forget her face
Only remember who she was

If you can do that, my
You still won

For you are with her
And woe to the one next to her

For he knows not
The person she really is

But you are with her
Forever

I remember
The square and long flowing whites

That hung loosely around her, stitches showing
Her thin frame gliding fragile

Her willing to be kind
So kind, that she taught me kindness

So quiet,
That she taught me the beauty of quiet

Inappropriate to some,
Beautiful to me, her crumpled sweater

On top of her flowing whites
Almost made me laugh, and love her even more

Yes, that too
She taught me to be inappropriate

If she doesn't love me, that's fine
Just let me love her

They chose him for his color

2009-01-21T06:29:00.004+05:30

How superficial can people get?

Once a friend had said to me, "If a million people say a stupid thing, it is still a stupid thing." That seems to be the case everywhere now-a-days. Yes, sure, a half-black became president. And yes, he may have what it takes. But is that why they elected Barack Hussein Obama to become president? I wish it was, but I have a nagging suspicion to the contrary.

I don't see this as great in any sense of the word. The world watches as history is made? What history? Aren't you ashamed to say that you have elected a person because of his color?

Martin Luther King will be proud of this moment? I don't think so. What I see is people being as superficial as they once were. Our choices are made based on what looks good in the eyes of others. When shall the day come when human beings are free do do what they feel is right and true? The true definition of freedom.

A whole nation has done what's popular. Few have the courage to think for themselves anymore. I do not think this is how the forefathers they are so proud of lived. I do not think this is what they had wished for.

Depths of hell

2008-11-23T01:53:00.006+05:30

I'm in the depths of hell. I have a toothache, have conjunctivitis in the left eye for a month now, feel extremely uncomfortable, stuck with a person who has belittled me as much as possible.

Wherever I go people insult me and treat me with contempt.

I used to freely express myself once upon a time. I don't anymore, thinking it is the social way - the right way. Hey, I don't care shit for the right way anymore. The right way never helped and never will. See where I am now. Back to square one.

Lesson: Listen only to yourself. The world is a disgusting shitty place with horrible, dirty people sitting in positions of power over you. The dirtier you are, the farther you get in life. Better die than submit to them.

The slightest hint of discomfort, leave. That is my mantra now.

No limits love

2008-09-30T01:13:00.006+05:30

When I was in love I did not think about color, race, religion or nationality. I knew at that moment that this is probably never going to work out. But I did it nonetheless because the feeling of love was precious enough. Just like most things I do, just because it feels good and right.

And when I really think about it, her husband or boyfriend will be forever worrying about losing her, trying to make her happy all the time, not getting one moment of peace, forget being able to love her and feel that ethereal feeling that I can.

That I can.

No worries, hassles, not even have to see her aging and lose character, if at all. To me she is still the innocent princess whom I could sense even if I was deaf and blind, just because of the ethereal feeling I had whenever she came close.

Love doesn't have to be a sad affair for the guy who didn't get the girl. After 12 years I can remember her still. And if I think about her deeply enough, it would still take me not more than a minute to feel just as if she were sitting next to me, no different. And experience the ethereal feeling any time I want.

Poor boyfriend of hers, it's probably been ages since he could feel that way, if at all.

how the world works

2008-09-21T08:54:00.003+05:30

When you come down to it, life is not special. Life is nothing but a form of nature that can outwit other forms. The human, who is at the top of the food chain, is an evolutionary product of an infinite number of death and discard of other forms of nature. Superiority among humans themselves is also the same - the result of an infinite number of deaths of the less superior.

Human society is extremely complex in that evolutionary predisposition in favor of the superior is almost the entire basis of it, but the humans themselves rarely acknowledge it. This is how the world works. By a seamless and subtle intertwining of the basic evolutionary principle of survival of the fittest into the core fabric of our societies. How we fool ourselves into thinking the opposite - a world which cares for the needy - is what I hope to expose.

To the degree to which our lives are different from what we really are, that much stress we would have.

A superiority complex cannot exist without an inferiority complex.

Selfishness? Is that it?

2008-09-18T00:30:00.005+05:30

There is a beautiful side to everything.

Now that that's out of the way, the important thing I want to say here is...

That I feel I am on the verge of a new breakthrough into how the world works.

I've narrowed it down to just survival of the fittest.

Sounds too simple?

No, it isn't.

God, my thought process just slipped out again like slippery fish in the hand. I really can't handle the thought of people dismissing ideas without thinking about it.

Can't hold it.

The truth. Elusive.

A-ha. Gotcha again.

It's just evolution.

We are all driven by desire, primal, evolutionary hardwiring. And most of the good stuff like helping others, being kind, not to forget - love, etc. is only driven by desire. Selfish desire.

Maybe that's all it is. Selfishness.

Still doesn't feel like the one thing that explains everything. If there's any ability I've got, it's to recognize the truth when I see it. And this still does not hit the spot.

But I feel very strongly that a real breakthrough is about to happen. Also maybe I'll write a book on it, this time on story lines, like The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

The most wise thing I have heard so far is said by the spanish woman in The Spanish Woman movie, which I saw yesterday.

Can't remember the exact thing, but was something like no one gives a damn about you unless they need you in some way, including the people who "love" you.

Since my last few days at the current job are coming up fast, I either will get a new job real quick or free time to get more of this thinking done.

Being at ease

2008-09-13T08:32:00.007+05:30

There are two paths of life one can take:

discomfort with oneself - lose oneself in work or play - inability to know oneself through solitude - therefore listen to others' opinion of who one is - live one's life to please others so as to get a better opinion - strive your whole life to please others - remain eternally unhappy

at ease with oneself - know oneself through solitude - live one's life as it suits oneself - be truly happy

Mostly, we all take the first path as we don't have a life though we all think we do. We lose ourselves in work or play, it doesn't matter which.

One way or other, few, if any, are at ease with themselves. It could be the way we are brought up, preparing us to succeed in society like soldiers are trained for war. The artificially/subconsciously imbibed sense that we are worth nothing if we cannot or do not contribute to society. Maybe that is to blame for it all.

On the other hand, I have found absolute quiet and a cool climate to be the requisites for being at ease with oneself. Also being free - not a member of any organization, no responsibility for anyone or anything. Responsibility kills happiness.

But it all surely starts with being at ease with oneself or not.

Everything is fake, including me

2008-09-12T21:38:00.002+05:30

My life is a list of failures. Those who need to know, do know what they are. Those who caused those failures.

I have a need for absolute quiet. Rare. Like now. What I wouldn't give to extend it to the rest of my life. Also the cool air.

I'm saying bye-bye to everything. Because everything changed.

But I can't.

I mean, I can. But what if I'm wrong.

I'm finally bowing down my head. I give up.

'Cause I realized, everything is fake, including me.

Dec 21, 2012

2008-08-16T09:40:00.005+05:30

I'm not myself...

Anyway, I have finally realized where I stand and the people around me as well. It seems like there is nothing I don't understand anymore.

So what can you take from this? Well, this...that for the past few thousands of years we were fed lies, LIES, L I E S ! ! ! Religion, society, tradition, culture, superstition. Religion being the worst among them.

New age people think all their lies will come to life, be fulfilled as prophesied, in 2012. But won't they be totally stunned when what would happen is the exact opposite...the exposition of all lies, religion suffering the most causalities. Instead of confirming proof for all the lies that society is built on, which they and their loyal adherents waited for, for thousands of years, it would all get a violent put-down.

Hopefully, that is what would happen. But I don't know which is right. All the magical-stuff people think are true or the reality about life which gets ignored as a result. Or do I?

Sociability - knew that was coming, didn't you?

2008-08-03T23:53:00.004+05:30

The problem with too much variety is that you lose values like loyalty and sensitivity. True, there is no harm in trying a lot of different things - but not at the cost of the loss of human values.

I suspect that sociability was once the ability to be kind, sensitive and understanding to everyone. Today I suspect it's the opposite of that. People have an idea of sociability in their minds, but they all know it isn't working any longer. It is only a fragment of a concept of harmony in their heads. The more we see that it is not reality, the prettier the dresses and faces must be to make up for this gap. But reality remains the same. People have lost the ability to be truly kind or understanding. A pretty face isn't going to automatically guarantee a kind person behind it. You are more likely to find an insensitive person who is extremely used to getting whatever he/she wants all the time from everyone.

So we have to search within ourselves, do we still have those good qualities deep inside and more importantly, do we have the courage to hold on to those when not a creature for a million miles seems to truly possess it?

Sociability is overrated. I have always felt so. The social people have always seemed boring, bland, and of course, loud and insensitive. Then why are they so "accepted"?

Beats me.

But there is one true revelation I will stick on to. Sociability is based on animal instincts of evolution - it's not logical, rational or fair. How you treat others shows who you are, not your appearance/visibility. It's in fact, downright stupid when you see that sociability is purely based on appearance. Sociability=appearance. Period.

Friend or enemy?

2008-07-30T22:22:00.003+05:30

If you're the friend of my enemy, you're not my friend.

I can't believe how loosely words like "friend" and "love" are used. Do people know what these words mean anymore?

I remember when as kids if someone said or did something to hurt me, I would show my litle finger and say "katti" which means enemies and "dosthy" would mean friends, for which I would show index finger and the middle one. In those days, friendship meant a lot, enemies meant a lot - it was a life-defining moment.

Now friends mean people who are allowed to take advantage of you and enemies mean people who aren't allowed to. Or something crap like that.

So life and people have lost meaning and value today...or is it only for me?

How to save the world in 5 steps

2008-07-07T12:55:00.004+05:30

1. Set a level of financial capability for parenthood

2. Enact it as a law

3. Form a government division to enforce it

4. Sterilize the offenders

5. Repeat in all countries

http://www.theperfectworld.org/

Why should I waste my life running after money?

2008-06-15T11:25:00.005+05:30

Someone famous said that only a fool would spend the majority of his life earning it. We are all fools who spend the majority of our lifetime earning it.

Sure, not all of us. But look closely, 'cause, honestly, I haven't seen anyone who is not willing to live like a pig swimming in sewage if it would bring in money.

All said and done, even those who can choose to be wise and not spend life's time earning it but enjoying it - still don't.

Oh the adrenaline rush, the feeling of usefulness, my contribution to society....blah, blah, blah. Greed - that five-letter word.

Greed=Stupidity

The only useful contribution to society, ever, is the perfect world theory. Everyhing else is dispensable. Useless. Only brings in a need for more contributions! Ha!

The perfect world theory, on the other ---beep--- hand, ends the need for further contributions. Except of course, the infinite extension of human life. I will bow down to that, and its author. To none else. But only as my second - my idea still will be the greatest ever.

I know I sound ostentatious jibbery-joo. But I have a right to be. A well-earned right, DAMN YOU !

World food crisis

2008-06-02T21:45:00.008+05:30

It seems progress has reached its zenith. It seems we are on the way down now. Rising oil prices, food prices. A catastrophe that could eliminate humanity seems on the horizon.

Serves us right. We don't listen to nice soft people who politely say what must be done. We listen to the huge, rude, rich and loud-mouthed ones. We make them our bosses and superiors. We even worship them. We ignore the weak, we listen to the strong. We trample the weak.

And if we ever chose to do something for the weak, we consider ourselves great and honorable.

And now the end is near. I don't know how the world economy works. But I know this. If there was no money, there would be no economy. Nothing that has power over our lives anymore.

I also know that if all the money you needed for a lifetime was locked away, rising prices couldn't affect you. Sure, rising prices = less money. But population control effectively inhibits price increase too, so there would be no inflation to begin with. Money would be in plenty and would hold no power over our lives.

Visit the perfect world to read more...

We are an extension of nature

2008-06-01T06:13:00.004+05:30

We are just an extension of nature. If nature is chaos, so are we.

If nature is ruthless, so are we.
If nature is beautiful, so are we.
If nature is considerate, so are we.
If nature is unpredictable, so are we.

Now I understand why the world is so superficial. Nature is superficial. If you have it, you survive. If you don't, you die. People treated this way in life treat others the same.

Again the perfect world theory makes sense. If nature is circumvented and a more peaceable, albeit artificial, environment is created for everyone, then the same would be reflected in people.

This is a huge, huge truth. We are a tiny extension of nature. Our environments change, we change. There is no freedom of choice.

Of course, the change may not be immediate in fully-moulded individuals, but that should be obvious to anyone with the least bit of common sense, missing which they shouldn't be reading this in the first place.

The whole world seems suddenly extremely hostile

2008-06-01T05:36:00.004+05:30

The whole world seems suddenly extremely hostile. I feel I will be mistreated wherever I go. No, that was a mild term, "mistreated." I can't think of the word strong enough to describe my plight. The way that others treat me.

Why am I writing here? There is no one with kindness or goodness who would care. The world was hostile all this while. It only took me some time to realize how bad it was. Or maybe I knew and forgot for a while.

I am not rude. I am not inconsiderate. To anyone.

What is goodness and kindness? Does anyone know?

I don't think so.

Beep...beep...beep...

2008-05-15T22:48:00.006+05:30

Long time, huh?

In Bangalore - almost settled. Bought the costliest thing I ever bought - motoscooter. ---beep---My first brush with the law! A criminal! Whatever. Saw people of lesser age stranded bcoz the cops stopped them - i got out quick with all my emotional display and english which they found hard to understand but for some reason impressed them. I could have avoided the police by just taking the left - I could see them and the stranded souls from there, but I was agitated over the ---beep---and was probably thinking, "to hell with everyone." Including myself.

Yes, less than a fortnight into the job ---beep---. It is just inevitable. Asking myself, "Why, why?" isn't helping. Never did.

Still extremely glad to be in Bangalore. The best place in India, I think - definitely the best in South India.

---beep---

Except for that one time. Movie-watching.

Well, after two years, you are pretty settled in your job. Any job. Till then, even movie-watching is difficult.

They didn't affect me at all

2008-04-27T06:03:00.005+05:30

Feel so free... Unbound by the limitations in the minds of others. But why did I let them affect me? Because they were cruel enough to hurt me if I didn't conform to what they thought I should be. They spoke loudly so I couldn't work. They spoke in a language I couldn't understand so I would feel left out. So that they would spare me that torture. And did they? No. Then why?

Why did I let them affect me?

Because I didn't like them and if I was the real me they would know it. And I didn't want them to know it 'cause it could make me universally hated. And that would be cause for concern. I don't want to die.

I don't like you. So I'm leaving.

But there's more. They haven't affected me. I could have only been acting like they affected me so as to keep them at bay. I do this unconsciously with everyone so that they would feel satisfied and leave me and my individuality alone.

That's true because I am feeling free like I said. It was all just an act. They didn't affect me at all. And they will see it for themselves before I leave.

Chennai steals my underwear!

2008-04-24T19:28:00.005+05:30

A real estate agent came in and stole my underwear!

He came in to show the house and in the process of showing the house to the people, he stole my underwear from the bathroom! He was rude from beginning to end: I rang twice at the door! Are you going out now? Are you staying alone? (Like that's any of his business.)

I remember the post I did about everyone in Chennai being either a cheat or a thief. At that time I wasn't sure. I felt I was being over-judgemental. But this latest happening removes all doubts from my mind.

I couldn't find my underwear. I was sure it was in the bathroom. On the towel bar. That's where I put it. After a long search, I knew it couldn't be anywhere else since I never put it anywhere else. Then I playfully said, "They must have stolen it," not believing it in the farthest reaches of my imagination. But then slowly it dawned on me. Yes, they did. He did.

Why?

I'm not even going into that.

My way

2008-04-21T18:03:00.003+05:30

ex1

Very, very lonely. I mean, things are going my way and I still am not
satisfied. Very sad too. Saw Grudge now. Yes, that bored.

ex2

Facing facts is hard but helps u move forward. Coz you finally realize
what position you really are in. And grow.

ex3

Why is everyone so jealous of my success in whatever I do? So insecure? God!

Can't they learn a lesson or two from me instead of feeling jealous and trying to stop my progress? Especially if they're mallus. Sometimes I feel there is no reason to live.

But now think life is about pleasure. You get it one way or other. That's why even a convict sentenced to death lives. Life is pleasurable. Eating, sleeping, even shitting. The moment there is no pleasure, you might as well die. If you lose your senses altogether.

Feeling Day

2008-04-07T09:30:00.002+05:30

7/apr/08

ex1

This is exasperating, cool, painful... I dunno what to say. I'm ashamed. But blameless.

Feeling very sick. Took a mushroom soup - 4 servings at once. Hope I had a SL today but probably theere is no room for that. I feel both sorry for my current company and they deserve it feeling.

ex2

ZET astrology s/w shows me that 2010 is going to be the most difficult year of my life. Wonder what that could be? Health problems, if I stay in Chennai any longer. Lumps and bumps all over my body - all harmless so far. Can what you write become real? Maybe there is a power like that. But I have the capricorn ability of slipping out of any situation when I have pushed too far.

Well, I don't care.

Maybe its all good stuff thats showing as red. 2005 showed red but it was the best year of my life I think.

Like I said, I don't care.

Excerpting from now on ....

2008-04-05T20:18:00.007+05:30

I am going to publish excerpts from my diary from now on. Only the parts I am comfortable publishing.

5/apr/08

excerpt 1

Wherever I go people don't want me there. They treat me so badly that I eventually leave. There is no rocket science to this. It happened in my own family. It used to happen in my relatives' houses. It happens with my "friends." Happens at work.

Took me a while to realize, but I finally have.

How bad is it? Very, very bad situation, right? When every human being you see wants to mistreat you.

I can see only two options now: the first that came to mind - suicide. The second - revenge.

I mean, if they don't like me, can't they just avoid me or ignore me? I can deal with that. But to act like they are very interested in me and then hurt me terribly by mistreating me so that I would leave? That is incomprehensibly painful and disgusting.

A paper and pencil

2008-03-29T01:05:00.007+05:30

I'm keeping another diary now 'coz I realized I can never be perfectly honest on a blog.

I feel so much better. I'll say that. It's a way of letting yourself know who you are. It's a way of speaking out and expressing your individuality unfettered and unbound. The real me, who I thought was lost, for months, came back to life instantly. I am so relieved.

Awesome, isn't it? Just a paper and pencil is all you need to preserve your uniqueness.

Also, some things have happened, which I absolutely cannot discuss here. For those who have been following, the lump on my neck is much smaller now and seems to be going. So, don't worry. :)

Don't I even sound different? :)

Almost forgot. Preparing for the trip to Bangalore tomorrow, from which I'll be back on Wednesday.

Lump on neck

2008-03-23T21:12:00.006+05:30

I'm not well. Physically. But I'm hoping it will pass.

I feel mortal. And I don't like it.

Has this place finally got me? I was dead-scared of something like this happening. As postulated in the third chapter of my book, nothing good can come out of a hot place. I just wish all the extra measures I took to keep myself immune countered all the filth I had to deal with that was damaging to both my body and psyche. Anything can still happen that can wipe out everything I've painstakingly acquired during my stay here.

Imagine my horror when I discovered a pea-sized lump on my neck below my left ear.

I searched the net on what it could be: mononucleosis, inflamed lymph node or cancer. Only the last one was fatal and could be cured if caught in time. The others would go away on their own. But my belief still stands. I won't walk into a hospital here where I'm sure they will do me more harm than good, besides charging me for it. So, after intense searching on the net and reading up a lot of opinions, I've diagnosed it as an enlarged lymph node brought on by the mild tonsillitis that I have right now.

But if it weren't, what would I do? Go to Bangalore just for a check-up? Honestly, I don't have a definite answer to that. Thankfully the symptoms don't add up to the possibility of cancer.

But I'm still scared. And I will be till that thing vanishes.

Midnight Express

2008-03-22T00:27:00.006+05:30

I am watching the movie Midnight Express. It's nearing the end. It's about an American who ends up in a Turkish prison. The things he says and goes through are so much like what I say and go through. Just before watching the movie I said that in this place people are animals, not people, and I will tell it to their faces before I leave. And what a coincidence, two hours after I said it, the protagonist in the movie calls all turks pigs in the court where his original sentence for 4 years or so was being lengthened to 30 years for no just reason. Right now he is in a mental prison with "criminally insane" people like himself. Back to watching...

Reading my previous posts its clear I am on the brink of insanity, and I suspect people see me as totaly insane. Maybe I am, can a mad person say the difference? I'm going to put some hope into my life.

Billy Hayes killed the prison warden during one of his torture sessions, quite by accident. Then he wore the warden's uniform and got out of prison, crossed the border into Greece and later went back to America. And its a true story. considering the parallels with my own life, it proves that truth is stranger than fiction. Also, a lot more common.

My 10 years in the country has been pure hell. It is just like a prison term. At least I know that for sure now.

Also how he found the customs in Turkey and their way of life absolutely disgusting. How no one in Turkey could be trusted, which was common knowledge. Exactly how I find Chennai.

List of wrongs in Chennai

2008-03-06T08:35:00.009+05:30

In Chennai I've been wronged. Here's the list.

1. My job took 1 month to get confirmed.
2.The hotel receptionist tried to make me sign a false bill with fake expenses.
3. The broker said I could install my a/c in the apartment - he showed me the space where I could fit it and plug it in. After moving in and drilling began, the owner started screaming. The a/c sits under the bed now.
4. Three laundry shops charge me for dry-cleaning but only wash my clothes. There's no laundry shop left where people won't cheat.
5. Auto rickshaws never switch on the meter. They haggle on the decided price once we reach the destination.
6. At work, some 20 recognitions and awards have been handed to a team of 23 (grown in size from 10 over the past year), but not one has come my way.
7. Every month, the salary components change. Not one of the payslips look like the one in the offer letter.
8. People are loud and noisy and don't speak English in office. They play loud Tamil music while I am working. The company I work for is RR Donnelley.

Being who you are - III

2008-03-06T08:04:00.005+05:30

When I open my mouth and if all that comes out is filth and lies, what is the point of living? If I live as what others want me to be rather than myself or what I want to be. If before uttering every word, I check it for political correctness. If every word I say is meant to impress those around me. If I don't have the courage to be who I am. If what is seen is not the real me.

Why be a fake? For survival? Or more?

Let them. Let them stop taking you seriously. Let them ignore you. Let them hate.

Let them.

How does it feel when the whole world hates you? Great? Powerful? Or terrible?

They have a right to feel anything. But you still have the right to be yourself. Is it worth it if you give up your individuality so that you can feel good that others like you? Or is it worth it to be hated by the whole world but if you feel good about yourself?

Which is more important, you feeling good about yourself or others feeling good about you?

Whatever you do, you are the one who has to live with it for the rest of your life, not others. Therefore it is more sensible to be hated by the world if necessary and yet be yourself.

The void drives me on

2008-02-26T11:04:00.006+05:30

Air in and out
Filling me, my lungs
Leaving me, a rush
Unquenchable, I am but

Am I alive - or dead
Who cares, I mean, really?
No one. No one does.
But friends - all die, they say, all die

But none have friends
None is fortunate enough
Genuine liking
Too difficult to come by

Fill the void with Love or God
Equally duplicitous
Equally disappointing
But some, nay, many, mind not

The void drives me on
Drives me on
Till I see nor hear no more
As it very now seems so

A dream, nay, many, shattered
Many before it and many after
But it could be true just yet
Dream, gold-encrusted

Is it not injustice that
I for so long was made to wait
Insult to my humanity
Corroding to my trust?

Human goodness
Thy ghost nowhere to be seen
Love and beauty -
Punish thy impersonators!

No one is greater

2008-02-26T10:37:00.004+05:30

The tough 4 months of night shift is coming to a close. I won't be reaching home at 7:00 am in the morning anymore. Besides that, I'll feel like a normal human being and my blogging will sound more intelligible. I'll be more satisfied with who I am coz I will be able to be my best. But the cool beauty of night and the awesome feeling that you are sleeping when others are rambling, and viceversa, will be lost.

At present I was thinking about how power corrupts and about how very few people know how to use it. Even if a person is in not-so-high a place, he/she imagines so and acts accordingly. I also regained my feeling of being the greatest person that ever walked the face of the earth. My pride has been restored. People almost succeded in making me think I was the worst possible person. Yes, Chennai people try to do that. They try to make you feel inferior, when the real problem is that they feel inferior to anything and everything because of their absolute lack of a sense of self-worth.

This place, Chennai, is full of cheats and thieves. Everyone is a cheat or a thief. No one can be trusted. I tried my best to think otherwise, but it's one year since I came and hence time for a verdict. Nothing worked for me, people seemed hard to understand or trust, when I thought they were all good people. I was cheated repeatedly. At shops, on the street, at work. But when I started suspecting them, thinking that underneath they are just trying to cheat you and get the better of you in some way or other, their actions made perfect sense to me, I could predict what they were going to to do or say, and most importantly, they couldn't cheat me anymore. I finally have become uncheatable. I win. In the end. It was the most disgusting stay of my life anywhere, but I still won. Nobody, no place, no culture, no country is greater than me. No one!

2008-02-21T10:36:00.006+05:30

Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy...

I’ve learned:

That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

One of the most beautiful and inspiring stuff I've ever read. :)
Especially this: That love, not time, heals all wounds.

You were life

2008-02-21T08:33:00.007+05:30

Give me back my heart
Why did you take it away?
You didn't even ask
But how did you...

I miss the goodness
Of you
I miss the love I felt
With you

How I miss you
The sense of safety
The sense of oneness
That needn't be said

Similar, you and I
Brittle and beautiful
Hurt and broken
You and I

Sparkle in your eye
Caring in your voice
Leave me captivated
Wanting more and more

What does your smile mean
You love me or no?
Love, true and everlasting
Or is it just a show?

Even if I knew
I'd never cease to wonder
What were you thinking, feeling...
What were you...

The best I ever had
Scared, the best I ever will
Grateful, by all means
For the little bit of life you gave

A long, lonely wait you ended
So long and so lonely
That water is not water anymore
To the parched throat, it is life

You ended my suffering
You lived up to your name
You were life
You were Spring

bright red object in the sky

2008-02-10T06:11:00.000+05:30

I saw a bright red object in the sky around 8:00 pm IST (Indian time) yesterday (9/feb/2008). It was in the west direction and dipped closer and closer to the horizon but was still well above the trees and buildings. I thought it might be a spacecraft reentering and burning up since I heard reports in the news recently. I don't see any news on the net about it so I'm confused. What did I see? Don't have a camera, so, damn.

It lasted for about 10 minutes from the time I spotted it (about 7:55 pm). And then when I could no longer see it because I was next to laundry shop, from my back (East) I saw another red object speeding overhead in the direction I spotted the first. I got out of the shop and walked back home and this time I saw only the initial red spot diminished in size but still very bright. and it finally disappeared. I wondered why no one noticed it.

Been through thick and thin

2008-02-05T08:31:00.002+05:30

I have been through thick and thin, through highs and lows. I am left with the real me. I see how horrible the world is.

I am still waiting for that big break. The one I always thought I was destined to have. The only thing that gave me hope to live when there was none. No love or happiness, ever, in my life.

When I look back, I remember I always felt special. Never felt I was being treated unfairly. But now I increasingly feel so. I'm an outcast, it would seem.

The things that stand out when I look back: number one: my love, one-sided: Hana Nada.
Then, my home in Sharjah, the comfort and safety.
Then, a lot of emotional people.

And now, me, alone. Not understood, totally lost.

My message I thought was the reason for which I went through such sheer mental torture, alone, in life. It still seems so, though I haven't had any real direct success that I hoped for. Astrology signs tell me that by June I would reap the benefits. We'll have to just wait and see...

I will always love you, Nada and Chaitra.

I thought Chaitra, you would be by my side, helping me. But you didn't seem least impressed by my lonely efforts. Worse, you cut communications when I left a chat message saying I love you. I'm still reeling from that rejection. I can't understand it. My world changed when you did that. I changed. I felt the ground beneath my feet vanish. I need you so much. To give me that self-respect and reason to live 'cause I find none no more.

I love you, Chaitra.

And you too, Boss. I think of you too. And loved you too. But Chaitra was first. And now I should tell you too that I love you, maybe you would understand, unlike Chaitra. But I don't want to lose your friendship the way I did Chaitra's, 'cause it seems to be the best I can hope for.

You did more for me, Boss, and you were worthy of my love more. But Chaitra was more like me, or so I thought. I don't have your endless energy or your ability to look perfect to everyone. People see fault with me all the time. But still you stood up for me like no one else. My God, how many times you stood up for me, gallantly, proudly. I'm really confused now. You are the girl for me. But if you were, you would call me once in a while, right? Why haven't you...

I love you too, Boss.

I'm still not sure I should tell her that I love her. I'm really scared. And for good reason, I should think. Let me check her messages...

Yes, those are very formal, polite messages. No love lost there. So I'm not going to tell her.

Bus conductor abuse - Chennai

2008-01-28T11:27:00.001+05:30

At 7 am after 8 hrs of night shift on a Sunday, I stand waiting for the bus on Mount Road, Chennai, India. I get in after 20 mins of waiting and say, "Gemini", the place where I ought to get down. Two people next to me said the same place name. I understand my voice is a bit low but I was sure the conductor heard what I said. He grunted, "Hm?" I repeated, "Gemini." Again he grunted. Again I repeated, this time a wave of anger making itself felt in my veins, a suspicion of ill-will bouncing harder in my mind. He made me repeat it three times.

He looked dirty and grimy, I was well dressed. He was probably at the beginning of his day, I was at the end. He was all pumped up with reserves of energy, I was drained. He was probably stress-free, I was sleep-deprived. He was earning not more than me, of that I could be sure. He was older than me, maybe 10 years or so, that was pretty obvious too. He was probably jealous, but I was clueless.

He deliberately made me repeat it thrice, a sadistic satisfaction from it he derived; the conductor exercising his authority or pacifying himself that he could treat people more prosperous than himself as he pleased and consequently dousing his own fires of jealousy... I was confused.

My stop came. A bunch of people got out. He blew the whistle before I could get out. And then looked at me after I hastened a risky exit from the speeding bus onto the road. I stared at him from the road, the extent of ill-will I faced from a stranger becoming utterly incomprehensible.

And it was all subtle. Cleverly done in a manner that could not put the perpetrator to justice. Cunning ways of projecting one's own insecurities onto others. In this city, Chennai, I have met many such people. People who delight in getting the better of people who are better off than they are.

Why? The usual question. Why?
Answer: People are what they are. Their choice. But when in authority one ought not to abuse it. I have made a post about this before. You have the right to be who you are. Like or dislike. Anyone or anything. But no one should have the power to hurt a person or alter someones life, because it would lead to abuse of power such as the one I just experienced.

World war happens all the time

2008-01-20T23:04:00.000+05:30

World war happens all the time. We hurt each other all the time. Sometimes fatally, sometimes not.

When will World War III happen? Is it a valid question? People die every day of so many causes. Mostly because they cannot avoid situations they must live through in order to survive.

Free man from the need to work for a living. Free man from having to do anything. World war is happening all the time and will continue to happen. It doesn't have to be officially declared by nations and people don't have to be killed with guns and bombs for it to be a world war.

Even if people are not killed, people are injured daily. No, not the construction worker. You. Yes, you. Doing whatever is unnatural to the body hurts your health. When you and everyone else have to work for a living, you force your body to act in a certain way, whether it is natural or not. World war happens all the time. And you are an injured soldier.

You disgusting egomaniac, listen!

2008-01-20T08:05:00.000+05:30

Stupid, idiotic, disgusting, ego-centric, arrogant people of the world, listen! LISTEN TO ME!

You all think you know everything. The only reason why you are reading this is because you are on the half of the world that is enjoying the benefits of hard labor of the other half. You wouldn't even be connected to the Internet otherwise. You think it is your right to an opinion, but you don't even have an opinion of yours. Do you have an opinion that has never been voiced by someone else? Have you ever? That shows you never ever think for yourself. And the opinion that you are so proud of is only something copied from others. So how valid can it be? You mob-creature! You snivelling sack of shit!

Give in to the PFC law! It is an idea never thought of, and therefore is testament to the genius of the person that thought of it. Instead of giving it a try, you are so very eager to find the loopholes (all of which are imaginary since it hasn't been tried for real). Your ego will not let you accept that someone, especially from a third-world country, is greater than not just you but any human being that ever walked the face of the earth. Pure jealousy. Accept it.

Disgusting egomaniacs of the world, devote your lives to spreading the PFC law and bringing it into effect. It is the only rational life-choice.

All evil comes from having to work

2008-01-20T07:42:00.000+05:30

No need to work. At all.

All evil comes from having to work.

Yes. It does. You are doing what's unnatural. It's harmful to you physically, psychologically, and in ways we haven't found yet. Sure, a plant hurt a little gets stronger as a result and probably will last longer. But a plant hurt all the time has its lifespan reduced. The same applies to humans. So, how to create a world where no one has to work? Technically, there is no need to work. All work can be done by machines.

We can sit back and relax our whole lives. Enjoy life doing the things we wish to do. Or just play around like kids. But if we have a place to call our own and enough money to provide us food for the rest of our lives, we should be just fine.

Instead, we multiply in numbers and consume more and more, trying to keep the existing systems stable. There is no need for the economy or businesses to grow. Let energy come from nature, harnessed by machines; let it be used by machines to make what we need from nature's raw materials. Everything is in place. Stop multiplying, consuming endlessly, producing unnecessary waste, and running around senselessly.

Relax. And enjoy the breaths of life.

Happy birthday

2008-01-16T11:21:00.000+05:30

I'm happy that I have a blog in which I express most of my feelings and thoughts. Besides unburdening myself, I get to preserve my true self by expressing it once in a while, not letting it die from lack of use. On my birthday (astrological - today - exact sun spot), I feel a new surge of life, a determination to live life more fully, an insight into exactly what my life has been so far and why, and a renewal of the real me. All of which I will share here.

My life has been manipulated by parents to achieve their ends, in which they failed, and in the process made a complete wreck of me. I could be wrong. My recent correspondence with my classmates showed me what I was scared of when we were classmates, 12 years ago, that my potential is cruelly stifled by my parents. They have gone so much farther ahead in life, I think. Again, I could be wrong.

Those patterns are existent to this day and I find it hard to escape them. I'm not sure. I never used to think like this. I always was glad for the life I lived, which was for a great purpose, I thought. These are the kind of thoughts I used to have as a teenager. I wonder why they are coming back...

Whatever it is, I'm determined to be the real me, exploring and willing to do the undone...

Happy birthday to me...

Real and counterfeit

2008-01-06T12:43:00.000+05:30

I've been put through hell. But emotion is not what I want to convey. It is the truth. Because if you knew the truth you could have avoided it. But since you couldn't, it means you didn't know the truth.

True happiness and perceived happiness are not to be confused. True greatness and perceived greatness are not to be confused. True friendship and faked friendship are not to be confused. But how to know the difference?

How do you know the difference between, say, a counterfeit note and a genuine one? It's like this: the genuine note will have all the characteristics of a currency note while a counterfeit one may have most of the characteristics, but not all of them.

What are the characteristics of genuine happiness? a smile, comfortable life, financial stability, loving relationships, true friends, interest in living life

What are the characteristics of fake happiness? a smile.

What are the characteristics of genuine friendship? a smile, expression of interest, common interests, sacrifices

What are the characteristics of fake friendship? a smile.

New year illusion

2008-01-02T01:46:00.000+05:30

New year, huh? Heck, what do I care? I'm still in the selfsame rut I used to be in the last new year.

Oh, I do think I am better off now. I do. But I know I'm only fooling myself, just like everyone else. Life is always the same. Dammit!

What is life ? Trying to analyze it takes the life out of life itself, doesn't it? So I'd rather not ask, "What is life?"

Life is a bunch of illusions. There, I said it, and I haven't lost my head. Ha ha. Heck to you, Life.

Let's leave it at that before we both lose our heads. Realize it. And not take life too seriously. 'Cause after all, it's just a bunch of silly illusions.

Confusing

2007-12-30T12:46:00.000+05:30

I am who I am. I don't believe in change. People all around me are willing to twist and shape themselves into so many different moulds. To hell with them.

I am confused. I am unsure about life and love. One moment I am dead certain of one thing. The next moment I am dead certain of the exact opposite. I remain unsure. Especially about life and love.

People who have hurt me by their actions and continue to do so are to be avoided, never forgiven. To forgive means to later run the risk of forgetting. And to forget means to expose oneself to the same danger again, which is foolish.

People who have given me a reason to live are to be remembered, cherished, and held on to. But are there really any such people...?

The past and the future are one in the present. Life is always the same beneath the apparent changes on the surface of it. Difficult, easy; enjoyable, detestable...

Confusing.

Astrology for me

2007-12-19T09:26:00.000+05:30

I would like to spill my guts here when everything is going wrong for me. As it is now. Maybe I should start an anonymous blog? No, I want to say it like it is, without fear. But still, the real issues facing us are often the most hidden. Which is why I would like to vent it out to someone. Or somewhere.

Maybe confessions had a point after all. Note: Stopped going to church years ago.

In the piscean age people hide the truth. In the aquarian age they openly express it. Or so I think. People are most certain about the things they have the least proof of, like astrology and religion. Still, astrology is the mother of all sciences and therefore a science to me. Besides, I use astrology every second. I don't mean the auspicious timing of events stuff. I see exactly how and why the world around me works the way it does. Using common sense. The truth is always the plainest thing to see. What astrology helps me with is, really, nothing so far, as far as I can see. Maybe revealed my strengths or made me believe in strengths I didn't actually possess...

Astrology proves itself. I see how different people are and how people who have birthdays close by resemble. I can expect a certain behaviour (underlying) to emerge and make itself evident over time for people with birthdays in each of the 36 10-day periods in a year. For e.g., I know what to expect from a person born between Jan 1 - Jan 10. Or for any other 10-day period. The magic of astrology reveals itself everyday. For some sun signs I can further divide the 10-day periods, depending on the number of people I have met who have birthdays there. I get better at astrology and how our world ultimately runs as a constant interaction between various astrological decan natives...

I realize that people are so varied you cannot really fathom them. It's a never-ending learning process. But sometimes I also feel people are all the same, heartless, spineless... Superficial. Not knowing the truth is excruciating pain for me. Seethe... Seethe... Seethe...

Me, manyheaded, mad

2007-12-11T10:57:00.000+05:30

Greased and grainy, my soul
What I feel, I do not know
Pangs and longing
See in you, my belonging

Words and silence
Interwoven so one more than the other
What it means I thought I knew
No more so methinks

Rumbling ball of black guilt
Thundering down my past or future
Crush me, I say; end this pain
Come for me; consume, devour

Slice my heart, my throat
Speech sharp as razor
Native issue from native heart
Good too much evil become

Thoughts a fleeting
Many I comprehend, many a wasting
Equally sound, in own right and might
Me, manyheaded, mad

Ego

2007-12-04T13:09:00.000+05:30

I am going to rant.

There was your warning. I know that people are bad not because they choose to be but because of the way they have been forced to live by society. The very way of life that stops them from seeing society for what it is, what a much better life they were entitled to in the first place.

Today I encountered asinine hostility. From a learned and knowledgeable person who would otherwise be the epitome of civility. When he/she saw that I was great, that my theory was the greatest thing that ever existed, that the only just way of treating me would be utter, complete submission, he/she chose to do the opposite. Insult me to the core, act worse than an animal, be utterly uncivilised. So even if you are 100% right, people will not accept you if they can choose not to; it is only force and fear that ever works. Their ego will not let them gave away credit to another person, unless that very ego tells them to submit in the interest of self-preservation.

Human child

2007-11-26T03:29:00.000+05:30

Isn't the root of all evil hurting another person? You can do as you like with your life, but when you do as you like with another person's life, then all hell breaks loose. And this begins at parenthood. You decide where and how your child is being brought up and hence sow the seeds of all evil. What's to stop you from torturing or killing your child? Nothing. The human child is the most unprotected living creature. Animals will not kill their young unless they are compelled to do so by unavoidable circumstances. But humans can and will kill if they choose to, since they are not governed by instinct and can rise above it.

Animals breed in plenty - many die, some survive, depending on external conditions. The same is the case with humans. If we ensure that external conditions are just right before humans are born, then we can end the unnecessary deaths. And not die like animals.

Thoughts - III

2007-11-10T23:10:00.000+05:30

Feel like life has passed me by. I am so different from what I used to be, or so I think. But my convictions about the world still stand. It always boils down to money.

The people I feel I should stay away from always prove it to me in time. That I should have stayed away from them. My sense of human dignity is wavering. I don't have the same strong sense of dignity of a human being that I used to have. It's all because of the place where I work, where people don't have any sense of dignity themselves nor do they treat others with any sense of dignity. Life is so much more than 1+1=2, and unless that dawns on them someday they cannot even begin to comprehend the value of a human being.

I've always had the courage to stand up for what I thought or believed in. I hope I will continue to have that courage.

Modified Age-Point Technique

2007-10-30T19:04:00.000+05:30

I wanted to talk about a relatively less-known form of prediction, called age-point technique. It uses the western wheel natal chart. And each house corresponds to 5/6 years. Going anticlockwise (some say clockwise), the planetary aspects can indicate the kind of experiences the person will have.

I use a slightly modified technique, however. I ask the person for 2 or 3 most important events in his/her life. I go by the 5/6 years per house technique, but see if there is an exact match. Mostly there isn't so I adjust it so that I guess which planet represents which major event and calculate the degree separation (clockwise) between them and the corresponding time in seconds/hours. From this I calculate how many hours/days is represented by one degree in the person's natal chart. Using this unit I predict future events based on the kind of planet that the age-point conjuncts (age-point is on the ascendant at the moment of birth and moves clockwise at the rate of the calculated hours/days per degree). You can use this to predict the future of a person, an organization, a country, anything.

New drugs tested on the poor of India

2007-10-27T09:37:00.000+05:30

I usually don't write about such stuff, but here goes. I just saw foreign drug companies using poor patients in Indian hospitals, mostly unknowingly, for clinical trials of new drugs. Now the question being asked is whether the patient's consent was had before the trial was conducted. But for me it's the fact that poor people are willing to risk their life in India if it means free medication. They just barely live, anyways. And I saw this on a foreign channel, Australia network. I for one, will never step into an Indian hospital after seeing that TV episode.

Good or bad ?

2007-10-24T18:35:00.000+05:30

Paradoxes, when you get to the bottom of life. Truth is, we never can understand life. Good or bad? You can never say. When everything is confusing to you, then you have understood life as well as it can ever be understood. You understand there are two sides to everything.

For example, this blog that I am writing - no reason to write 'coz I'm not a pretty girl or a famous blogger so no one reads my blog - I am in the dumps. Really? Think again. I am the only person who can write without fear of what people may say. I am the only one who can truly be myself. And in the process I get to express myself without inhibition, which is what writing is supposed to do. Blogging is supposed to let your thoughts be known to the world in which I have failed - to be honest, though. But if the thoughts that get communicated are not really your own, and the world reads them, then you have failed just as well.

And even if you communicate what you truly have to say and get famous too, the persona thus created prevents you from being spontaneous, the need to please the public by offering them what they are looking for to keep the blog well-read arises.

So there you go. Paradox at every stage in life. At every instance. At every alternative.

Like the many

2007-10-17T18:57:00.000+05:30

My eyelids lifted
My heart still beating
My breathing laboured
My blood still flowing

Where are you when I need you
How could you leave me and go
Leave me to face it all alone
What were you thinking

I can't see too far
Can't hear too much
Is this how it will end
For myself left to fend

Thought there was a beating heart
Pumped not just blood but love
Thought there were beautiful eyes
Saw not form but pain beneath

Numbered are the breaths I take
Kindness from you I wish to see
Before it ends I wished to make
Love from you a reality

But what have I
But a fool's abode
Never ever comes true
Never ever comes close

I will end
Like the many
Unknown, unwanted
Uncared for

There is no justice
In life and in love
Thought you would be the rarity
Sent for me from up above

Love, influence

2007-10-17T17:11:00.003+05:30

Is there any relation between the goodness of your heart and the quality of your life?

I guess we could see it in a million different ways.

Why the philosophy? All I want is for someone I love to say that they love me. I've never heard those three beautiful words. Never.

In the end you remain who you are, whatever you give or take, achieve or miserably fail in. Yeah, so what's the point of love, right?

To be who you are you must rid yourself of influences, especially at work, where being influenced by the boss works in your favour. Where blending in is more important than sticking out. And then your need for love disappears.

When you rid yourself of influences and have the courage to be who you are. But it's downright impossible. People who constantly try to change you will continue to do so.

How many?

2007-10-17T16:32:00.000+05:30

How many roads must a man walk
Before you can call him a man

It's a question. Not just lines from Bob Dylan's song. How many?

I still lament that the world does not accept you for who you are. Why do you have to walk any roads at all? And what if you are not a man? That the world is built on the principle of survival of the fittest is to blame.

I'm thinking of another book to write. Centred around this new sense of awareness I have had since the last one I had five years ago and the resulting book. It's basically about how humans are just a bunch of overgrown worms. How the big trample the little. How inequality is the law of nature. And more.

But that doesn't sound earth-shaking enough. Or maybe it is.

To die

2007-10-09T20:53:00.000+05:30

We are who we are. So many reasons, causes.

They will burn the prophet.

Won't they?

So much pain and loneliness. So much good too, but I don't want to see it. Do I like pain?

Sadistic pervert.

Maybe.

So what?

I wish I could one day say that without fear. "So what?"

My body is tired and weak. My search for love is in vain. To die. To die I wish.

What was the point of this burden called life...no point, no purpose.

Oh, the magic of silence I forgot. A soothing balm. I'll try that.

Jealousy and opposition is what I face. They will burn the prophet. Can I escape?

I think not.

Rot like a street dog

2007-10-01T20:32:00.000+05:30

So much has happened. I realize I have been scared and influenced. Fearful of saying what I think.

At work I used to put up art on the wall every week. There were comments written underneath, but when I wrote there that nothing should be written, someone threw away my art. Behind my back. Infuriated me. Anything done behind my back infuriates me. I sent a mail (toned down) to everyone, saying whoever did it owed me an apology. I was mad as hell. I drank beer the previous night at a friend's place and somehow it had a long-lasting effect on me. I was scared it was the beer talking. So nervous and scared that I called a friend to ease myself. I was strangely acting - the beer I think is responsible.

Anyways, later after sobering a day after, I looked at the mail and it didn't seem rude. I was relieved. I realized alcohol only magnifies the negative possibilities for me. I also saw that people would most likely ignore the mail - which they didn't seem likely to do a day back.

It's not a life of beer drinks that can't be counted on the fingers of one hand.

I mean I haven't drunk more than five or six times in my life and only soberly too, at that. I was keeping myself safe and protected - always thought that there was a reason. But today I see the whole world is a sham. The only reason why people would like you is because they need something you have. When you don't have anything, you are thrown away like a used rag to rot like a street dog.

That happens to half the people on earth. At some point in their life.

Disgusting world

2007-09-23T20:18:00.000+05:30

The heat is unbearable.

Have to stick to the plan, though. I seem to have holes in my pocket when it comes to money. But still... Have to stick to the plan.

Is love ever true? I can fall in love with anyone. And be rejected by almost anyone. What is it with the world that everyone but me seems to be happy? Is it a show or is it true? Some astrological reason perhaps?

Desperate. Angry. Disgusted. Disappointed. Useless.

It's useless. A pointless life. No interest in anything. Feel no connection to anyone. Never did.

Yes. Never did.

And the remedies offered by 'helpful' people...actually feel like poison..and is poison too. The last time I tried them I lost what little I had left.

Disgusting animals. That's what they are. Wounded and hurt that I am, they only rub salt in my wounds.

What a disgusting world. What disgusting people.

True love refuses to die

2007-09-22T02:20:00.000+05:30

If she loved me she would say so. If she didn't she could say so. Since neither is happening, she doesn't know. I am going to see her last mail again. Is it that I just don't want to believe that she doesn't love me? 'Cause the last time I got her email it was pretty clear to me she didn't. And now I just want to think good things that don't exist.

I read her last mail and I'm struck by how self-satisfied she sounded. True, she has everything. She doesn't need me. And she can say it quite politely too, like: "Thank you for being a friend. And please don't try to get in touch with me again."

So sweet and yet so hurting.

A friend? That's wonderful. I did hope for more. But at least a friend I was. And she is thankful for it. So sweet. But what comes after is just the opposite, which makes you doubt the sincerity of what was said before. Please don't try to get in touch with me again?

What on earth does that mean?

The mail is dated Jul 7, 2007 9:54 AM. Today it's Sept 22, 2007. True love refuses to die.

Her

2007-09-13T22:18:00.000+05:30

I loved her. I never thought I'd be so broken if I lost her. It's almost a year since I last saw her. And now I feel life is not worth living, there is no reason to live. That is something I've always felt. But somehow it seems more so now. The fact that she was with me for a while will be a sweet memory forever. Something that makes life a bit more worthwhile. Is it self-esteem she gave me? I think she did, sometimes. Sometimes I think it made no difference. A memory I have and her photo. Thank God for the photo. I got it off her profile and I remember copying it thinking it might vanish any second. That my mom vanished when I was 4 makes be think, subconsciously, that the people I love will vanish anytime. And they do. Also that I'm not worthy of love. But she was the only person in the 22 yrs of my life after my mom's death who made me feel that I was worthy of love. For that I am grateful. The memory can make me so happy...

This is the only thing I am really proud of. That she was with me for a while.

Thoughts- II

2007-09-06T01:15:00.000+05:30

Sadness is more meaningful than happiness.

The problem is not that you don't have enough, but that you've lost the ability to enjoy what you have.

It is impossible to see the beauty around you when you work for a living.

When you find peace and happiness within you, you don't go searching for the same in either people or things. That's a good thing 'cause both are more harm than good.

It's better to die than to live in fear.

Trance

2007-08-28T16:01:00.000+05:30

I was in a trance
Frightened by the glance
Never happened
Never will

Light steps
Lighter and lighter
Walking on clouds
Walking on water

Ignore, ignore
But how could she
She could, she could
But why me

Her world
Ever mysterious
Never known
Never will be

Closer to her
I
Closer to me
Her?

Walking or was it talking
She spoke to me, I know
Language of love
Without speaking

A fragment
Light and fluttering
In the wind
Of hopes and wishes

Coolness it was
Of being, a lightness
Whiff of life
Glad and grateful

Royal and pure
White and light
Her presence, persona
Beauty, or better?

Turn of head
Or royal nod?
Moves mountains
Moves my heart

A word
Please, please
I beg, I plead
A word for me

Alas
I wish I hear
The word that is thine
And thine only

Eavesdrop
I did, I did
Yes I did
To hear that word of thine

They came
They came a-plenty
Now and then
A flood not meant for me

At least I know true love
Giving, not receiving
Language of love
Language of hoping

Chaitra means spring

2007-08-28T15:55:00.000+05:30

Blows hot, blows cold
Not sweet, not sour
Who can keep a hold?
She changes by the hour

Defiantly amazing
The beauty of the wildflower
Not winter. Not summer.
Chaitra means spring.

Girls

2007-08-25T11:16:00.000+05:30

I realized something else. Girls make me weak. I usually know who I am and where I am going in life. But when a girl comes into my life and starts acting wishy-washy, that throws me off-balance. I become fearful, anxious, vulnerable. Lose all focus. I'm a pretty self-centred person who knows how to outwit everyone else, but a girl's presence makes me want to lower my guard so as to understand her and care for her instead. That's how it's with me, anyways.

Letting it out....

2007-08-23T13:54:00.000+05:30

I've been alone all my damn life. What do you think I'm scared of?

A girl named Nada just visited my profile on orkut and my heart is all flutters. On her profile it says she's been in Riyadh and now in Karachi but doesn't mention UAE. Her profile is written pretty innocently and that points to the Nada I knew.

There's a person I know who will never know what I've been through or what I've done because she is so full of herself. Will never be able to appreciate me for who I am. True. So was the girl who I loved for the past two years, getting nothing in return. But here's the amazing cinch: When I was 15, a fellow student who claimed to know palmistry predicted that my first girlfriend would be a girl whose name starts with the letter "H" and has a total of 5 letters. And she is the first girl who fits. That student's name was Waheeda Rahman, a Sri Lankan.

What a magical life I lead!

And to think I was feeling in the dumps a while ago. Yes, that's because I'm in a not-so-magical place, maybe. I am here in a place that does not agree at all with me because of a decision I took that was upright and self-sacrificing, and above all, the right thing to do. I left a comfortable job, which was basically watching movies and editing English subtitles to them, people who were as modern as they could get in a country like India, pretty girls for company, and the like because I had to give the message to the world, in which I failed. The world does not know the perfect world message. But the steps taken, hopefully, have taken me closer to that goal.

And now I am in a place with none of those things, which is tolerable, but rudeness and lack of civility - no. That is too much. But I am patient. As always. And dreaming of good things to come. Of good things that once were, but now aren't.

Thoughts

2007-08-20T11:57:00.000+05:30

Growing up is realizing that you are not the center of the world.

Nice in the beginning ro be rude later on.

When you need other people to tell you who you are, you are beyond all help.

Love is when you need another person to tell you who you are.

People run from one thing to another, not having even one moment of true happiness because they think it doesn't exist. But it does.

Let people look down on you; you don't have to look down on yourself.

Life goes on

2007-08-19T07:52:00.000+05:30

What a much better place my living room has become since I opened the small window beside the door a bit. No need for the noisy fan. Feels so cool. My thwarted attempts to make my whole home air-conditioned don’t hurt so much now. I’m sitting in the living room. I had a thought because the TV actually makes me want to comment on what I see, but there are no kindred spirits who would listen. Why are here no kindred spirits? That’s another big issue I’m really confused about. Is it me or is it others? It could be me, mind me.

I’m watching Robbie Williams’ video on ftv. Surrounded by good-looking girls and dressed as a guru. It goes something like, Sin, sin, sin. Look where have you been and where are you tonight. It starts with a guru channel female presentator. And he looks like a priest, Robbie Williams. But I noticed that only beautiful girls were being healed by the guru. I read somewhere Robbie Williams is a Leo Ascendant like me. What the song means still hasn’t gotten to me and it’s over now. The next one is Hold on to people, they’re slipping away. I think it’s by Moby. Sad sounding and very meaningful to me. Everything changes. Nothing is permanent. Now it’s the ftv only on fashion tv interlude. Now it's Nelly Furtado. She was awesome in I’m Like A Bird. Reminded me of Hana Nada (prev. post). But now not so good. Skimpier outfits, catchier songs, slicker face, boring girl. Can’t even make out the lyrics. Time to change the channel.

Oh it’s Mr. Bean dancing around like an idiot. You know, I and Mr. Bean have a lot in common. He is actually Rowan Atkinson and his birthday is only a few days after mine. He just jumped in front of a car to get his shoe. Now he is combing his hair looking at the reflection on a glass in a store. He can’t see the back of his head so he went into a photo booth and took the back pictures. Now he is following the picture processing in the booth with his ear till it pops out. Now it’s a goddamn ad.

I feel so angry when I think about the people at work who smile at me thinking I’m stupid. My friend Shinaj told me once that is how people see me. He said, “He is worthless. We can treat him as we like.” That’s how people see me. But since he is quite right most of the time, I gave it some thought. It’s true. In some ways.

I remember the chicken fry pieces I used to have at his place that we bought from outside for very cheap and it was very tasty too. I’m still trying to think of a way to cook chicken sausages on the microwave. The first time it got stuck to the paper cover, the second time it got hard as rock and the third time I ate it no matter how it tasted. And the Microsoft Office I have is not able to install updates coz I deleted a file while fixing the laptop. But the damn laptop still keeps downloading something God only knows what, its cutting into my allotted download limit of 1.5 GB and in future hopefully if the internet service provider responds, 1 GB. When I have to pay Rs. 2 for every extra MB, it’s not very funny.

When I see cartoons, I think, how wonderful if the world was so clear cut and colorful as the cartoons. So pretty and perfect. The people, the roads, the cars. That’s why I watch cartoons. I’m seeing Bob the Builder now. Repulsed me once upon a time. But now nothing better in this godforsaken place I guess. Other than pretty, pretty girls on ftv.

Oh, by the way, I hate Harrison Ford. Makes me want to vomit. He’s on this channel Sony pix. I think it’s 'cause he’s so old-fashioned. Also the stupid downloading stopped once I closed all active windows. Could be the site legitimately updating status or a virus that attached itself to the browser. Am no computer guy but educated guesses are possible.

My life

2007-08-19T06:48:00.000+05:30

Really? I’m tired of writing. What’s the point? People may or may not read. If they read, they see the things they want to see, not what I try to communicate. The one point, it makes me happy. Makes me feel useful. Like I’m accomplishing something. Maybe it’s got to do with the North Node thing I read a while ago. My north node is in Leo and the 12th house. I read you feel more satisfied when you are headed in the direction of the north node. And Leo is about creativity. So that explains it. Has it, Mr. Reader? If you exist, that is.

And besides, I work with words, so I associate it with work, at least subconsciously. And work – is no fun. All the gibberish people say about enjoying work, you ought to take up a calling of yours, find the career to which you are suited – I don’t believe in all that mumbo-jumbo.

There is no real basis to life. Everything is illusion. Kant said everything comes through our senses so the actual world is not what we perceive it to be. In the Critique of Pure Reason. That’s his main philosophy, anyway. No, I wasn’t aiming for that exactly. I meant that nothing is what it seems to be. Once you get past the illusion to the core of the matter, you see that nothing is the same forever, people, things. Everyone changes. Everything changes. In such a state of world is it really wise, actually isn’t it downright foolhardy, to set your heart upon something, or someone for that matter?

Questions unanswered. Does any question have an answer? Every questions answer is challenged in time. Mathematics seems to be the exception. 1+1=2 But can we say? In time, even that could be proved wrong. After all we can only perceive up to 4 dimensions. Three of space and one of time. In scenarios of multiple dimensions, 1+1 could be three or four. Ha ha.

Who cares anyways/. There are mathematicians who break their heads over string theory and stuff, like the Hawking guy. He has success so I’ll give him that. But what about the others? Even people who think for a living don’t have it easy.

I’m inspired because I saw Wind in The Willows on TV just now and I thought, how about a novel like that. So childish, with badgers and rabbits acting like people. And so hilarious too. Not to mention Toad or Mr. Toad. Frankly I haven’t been the outdoorsy kind coz I wasn’t allowed to. Where I was brought up it was in the middle of the desert, Sharjah, UAE, so I frankly don’t know for sure what a badger is. Handicap for a writer, I think. But helpful too, ‘cause of the ability to imagine things that don’t exist, the ability to think that the world is a wonderful place. ‘Cause I don’t really know.

But I was in a multicultural society. Don’t want to go into it. Suffice it to know that Iranian girls were with me at school. And I was in love with a Pakistani girl for 10 years. I wonder what my parents will think about this comment. Shameless son. But I’d better not think. Culture s such a holding-back factor in this place, India. I feel no connection to it. To the beggars and poverty, of which I didn’t see a bit in my childhood. I don’t feel any connection to this country. Or the people who I feel are fake, fake, fake. And I don’t blame them. I blame the heat. And the culture brought about by the heat.

Oh I have to do a spell-check on this. It’s part of my job at work, so I don’t really want to do it. I wish I could just write and have enough money and people at my beckoning to clean up the document for me, in the way I please. Instead I do that work at office. Ha.

I see clearly that my life is no glorious affair, which is what most people believe about their own lives, so that the thought keeps them happy. I see the truth. So clearly.

But people would disagree. And I would say it’s their jealousy that makes them disagree.

I don’t care about hyphens and stuff here 'cause I can afford not to. It’s my blog and I choose how it should be. Reminds me. At work too, the rules are what the boss lays down, whether they are right or wrong. I’m free to be who I am here. Stupid or intelligent, I don’t care. Jumpy or steady, I don’t care.

I have this song going on in my head now, Society, you’re a woman. At least that’s what I heard. What is it anyways with the songs, they deliberately distort them, don’t they?
Anyways, what does it mean, society is a woman? Beats me so far. But let me think. ‘Spineless’ comes to my mind.

Now I know no one reads my blog. But what if people do start reading? Especially at office? Would I honestly speak my thoughts the way I do now? I wish I could. I wish even if I could, that I’d be not held back by fear. I wish I wouldn’t start bothering about hyphens and commas. That’s why I said work ought to be abolished. Every one should have the freedom to be who they are. No one has that. I can only laugh at the people who say they have freedom. No one has true freedom, except people who have a secure life without having to work. For a hundred years.

I don’t worry about being misunderstood because people who feel a pulse the same as mine will understand it. And so will people who truly wish to understand. As for the rest of the world, I’m not going out of my way for them. People see what they want to see, anyways.

All I’m going to do is a spell-check.

Hit F7!

Bullshit=Truth

2007-08-17T13:40:00.000+05:30

How much bullshit tries to pass off as truth is just baffling when you look at it. The people who actually bullshit are often seen as the bearers of truth while the people who actually care about the truth and are willing to stand up for it are, first of all, boring - no bells and whistles that the bullshitter has. Secondly, not likable or lovable, since their priority is speaking the truth, not speaking what pleases the people. And thirdly, smugness that comes from the conviction of being right.

So, there it is. The people who set out to please the people are the ones who succeed, though they are the ones who have taken liberties with the truth. The people who set out to speak the exact truth are the ones who are misunderstood and unsuccessful since absolute devotion to truth means not altering it at any time, in any way, to please people.

An intelligent discussion here prompted me to write this: http://philosophersplayground.blogspot.com/2007/08/karl-rove-portrait-of-bullshit-artist.html

Hana Nada

2007-08-16T12:09:00.000+05:30

There was a girl named Hana Nada
With whom I was in love
There was a day when I was in heaven
The day I saw her

Love was it or was it pain
Killing me and saving me again
Life's always a monotony
The beauty who erased the pain

Longing for her ever so much
Pangs of hunger, hunger for love
In which I dwell, I dwell content
Asking for nothing but the right to love

And there she gilded before my eyes
My senses heightened, what a surprise
Could this be real, yes it was
Pinch me I said, but I knew it was

Oh the quiet, oh the silence
Magnifies and envelopes me
In the beauty of your presence
What more could one want

So I thought, so I dreamt
With what was before me
The missing pieces I could conjure
Never to be, never to stop haunting me

My soul was bought, my life empty
My longings longer, to no end torturing me
But those days, yes they were worth it
Memories and feelings, no, much more

Drunk and numb from love
I feel nothing no more
She made a heaven for me
In which I dwelled for free

That heaven is in my mind for years
If she were here, for real it would be
But that being too much to ask for
The old heaven I'm grateful for

No difference did it make, her rejection
Except a deeper gash of wounded love
A wound more than merely mortal
My longing for her increase

You were the one I knew it then
Magic and sorcery tell me I was right
These I've turned to for consolation
And they tell me they have none

For you are the one, you are the one
Every law of nature and underworld tells me so
My heart told me then
But now I hear it from them too

Oh why were you a passing mirage
So short a span, yet the hold unyielding
What was your purpose I wonder
Make me or break me asunder

I wouldn't mind if the answers I didn't find
But this is true, as true as true can be
How I feel for you, how much I do
One day, I wish...I wish for you

Value of the human being

2007-08-15T13:39:00.000+05:30

The value of a human being ought to be upheld by law above everything else. Because this is a world where your ability to contribute determines your quality of life. At childhood one is given what one needs to be able to contribute. The lesser one gets at childhood, the lesser he/she is able to contribute. Therefore birth into poverty must be prevented by law.

When a child is born into poverty, it affects the rest of us too. That we allowed such a thing to happen is indicative of the dip in the well-being of our society. We start forming groups to avoid contact with those born into less prosperous circumstances. So that our collective human value remains high. It is only because we are not considering the rest of the masses of human beings.If we did consider them, our human value would go down considerably. The only way to truly raise human value, then, is to prevent birth into poverty.

I realize

2007-08-12T08:07:00.000+05:30

I realize. I'm all about substance. I don't really care about style. So what if a hyphen is missing. Or a comma. It's the matter that's important. And any nutcase or monkey will find easily the meaning that is supposed to be conveyed. That's why I suck. At my job as a copyeditor. I've never bothered about style ever. It's the core I always want to get to. No matter what I do. I end up with a job that is so against who I am. Phew! How did this happen? How do these things happen? Is there any job that would be suited for me? Or are all jobs on earth superficial and unfulfilling? Is the earth just a screwed-up place where everyone does exactly the opposite of what they are supposed to be doing? Can anyone give me an answer?

People

2007-07-19T14:51:00.000+05:30

Can people who have had the things they want and/or need think of a life otherwise? Yes they can. They can be engulfed by enormous fear or they can have a sense of excitement of "what if." Time and again I see that having more allows you to express yourself more and consequently have greater self-respect and respect from other people as well.

For a while I, who I thought was among the enlightened ones, did not see why people act the way they do until I lost some of what I had and saw the corresponding change in people. I am pretty sure now that people see your talents if you are in a position above them, rather than if you were an equal.

Who you are and what others think of you are different things, but its difficult to keep them apart. We believe what the mirror tells us. In the same manner it's only logical to believe that what people tell us is true. But if we look a bit more closely, we find the mirror only gives a 'mirror image', which is inverted from left to right and the mirror image's accuracy depends on how good the mirror itself is. If it is dirty or worn out, you cannot trust what you see, but will have to look at it from different angles with a discerning eye to get a more accurate picture.

So the quality of people's opinions is dependent on the quality of the people themselves. If the people are dirty and worn-out, they ought not to be trusted. Translating it into a literal sense, it means that the kind of lives people live determine if they are dirty and/or worn-out, not the way they look, beware. And most people are brain-washed (by society) and over-worked (by society, again), which is why do not believe what people tell you.

Look at the kind of lives they lead. Are they overworked and/or living in inhuman working/living conditions? If so, they are like blotched, worn-out mirrors. Do not take them seriously.

No wonder democracy doesn't work.